I Am Destined to Be a Ghost

Today I had a thought, one of my favorite kind of thoughts. The kind of thought that pulls itself out of my head, and puts itself into the world.

The consciousness and frames of awareness that this stirred up in me led me to a realization… Perhaps my purpose is nothing attached to this life itself, but the afterlife.

Perhaps, I am destined to be a ghost.

…

I started at home. Confused, and insecure in my thoughts; “What the hell am I doing? Who am I?" What am I supposed to be doing? Why does it feel like I’m pretending that I know what I’m talking about, or who I want to be?”

So, I resort to the only thing that I could think of to get me moving and out of this space: a drive… to the cafe!

I’m thinking… “What if there was a way to feel as tranquil and at peace in this city as I do sitting alone lakeside? What’s the difference?”

“Your attunement. Your awareness. That’s the difference.” I hear.

Suddenly, in true 12th house nature, I feel my consciousness completely shift in my body and I melt into myself; my vision softens. Suddenly, I’m not looking at the people, or buildings that line the street with intent clarity like I usually do. I’m not leaning into their stories like strangers whom I anxiously need to be aware of.

Suddenly, the people aren’t “people” anymore. They’re colorful passing globs and shapes. I don’t see them, I don’t look for myself in them. They are just… there. Just like the city streets, cluttered with art and business logos, now just disorganized color patterns, their meaning doesn’t need to be traced anywhere.

You have to understand how important this was to me. It was like my mind could rest despite the overwhelming commotion of the external world; like I was alone, coasting down a clear highway. I have never been able to achieve this feeling in a populated space. It had only really ever been something I had privatized to my seclusion.

“Huh, this is new… and I like it.” I thought.

I push through the cafe door like I’m weightless. I recognize that there are other bodies in the space, but without studying them. I can lead my body through this slowly trotting line, in stillness.

I don’t know you, I don’t see you, everything is fine…

Is this what it’s like to just be in your body? Without any concern of how you’re affecting a space, or making other people feel? For your attention to be on mute.

And that was it. “I feel like a ghost…” I thought. My corpse was just still vibrating with the air, but my consciousness spread out with the universe. It was such a beautiful experience that here I am, weeks later, still trying to find words to describe the feeling.

…

To help make sense of this feeling, I want to point you to my natal chart. Specifically, to Neptune who is in an exact trine with a Sun rise in Virgo, on a Libra Ascendant (as represented above).

If you know anything about astrology, you know that when Neptune makes a tight aspect to a personal planet or angle its energy is really felt and pronounced in that person. In this case, because Neptune is in a tight trine to my Sun and Ascendant. I feel the qualities of Neptune’s ambience very strongly, and it’s quite literally expressed at face value.

If I wanted to be basic in my interpretation, I would say this native has an affinity for spiritual and mystical endeavors, may be submissive in romance, and has a dreamy persona, (or something of the like). Neptune rules over the form of gaseousness. Neptune is androgynous, though takes to the more gentle and softer expressions of life & nature. Neptune’s influence can lead to spiritual enlightenment, or experiences of God. But Neptune can also lead us to escapism. By itself, Neptune does not offer solid ground, nor security. Sounds scary right?

Things can go from beautiful and sweet, rose-tinted sensations, to grimy and desolate real fast. You may find yourself searching for that high again, looking for that once in a lifetime apparition; seeking, endlessly. So take that into consideration with reference to my particular aspect here.

I cannot fail to address that Neptune causes dramatic issues for self-image and vital essence here as well (with respect to the Sun & Ascendant). Neptune is invisible to the naked eye, so her influence is in the like. The native could have strong feelings of discomfort with their appearance, and how they express themselves — specifically related to how society at large has enforced certain traditions and structures that she is desperate to transcend (queue Capricorn, 29°).

However, due to the nature of the trine, I personally find that these placements manifest in a way that are not incredibly life shattering, or disruptive... Or so I think. I’ve never been afraid to drown (or close to it), nor have gotten lost or kidnapped in a crowd (things that I can imagine would happen with a destructive Neptune influence). But it creates a lot of mental anxiety. My mind has a tendency to dissolve structure. I feel largely unknown to myself. I can’t see myself as others perceive me. And I suffer from chronic self-doubt and depression.

Neptune’s influence is subtle, but due to this angular trine, it is more present than I realize. Which is what had me thinking… All this ambience, and dreaminess; Being called to another realm; The depression I live with, and the discomfort of being embodied in such a society; there is purpose. This has purpose.

Where? Well… I don’t know. And perhaps I’ll never find it here. Which is when I realized, that

I am destined to be a ghost.

That which I am seeking does exist, but not in this material state. So I will patiently wait for Nature to do my bidding. I feel like I’m just filling time. I bring beauty to the spaces that I can, but otherwise, I remain unsatisfied. Desires are fleeting, and I can’t comitt myself to a picture of life with the expectation that it will be my purpose and joy. But I can see myself wandering the ethereal realms.

This is where I feel my home. This is the 12th House Dilemma.

More on the 12th House to come.