Ambience of a Terrestrial Ghost

Just because you don’t see yourself, doesn’t mean you’re not there.

Just because you don’t see yourself, doesn’t mean you’re not there.

Just because you don’t see yourself, doesn’t mean you’re not there.

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Again with the ghostly references. What can I say, I’m a heavily Neptune influenced 12th Houser (for those of you who don’t know what that means — I’m basically a walking ghost).

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When I first started practicing philosophy in school, I became intrinsically attracted to the concept of solipsism. Later, I discovered the writings of Bishop George Berkeley. Berkeley posited that “to be is to be perceived”, or in his words, “esse est percepi”. Berkeley argued for the rejection of matter, in its objective state. Likewise, he wholly rejected the premise of direct realism — the idea that the world and reality that we perceive is exactly as it exists, independent of perception.

Instead, he argued that all of reality is mind, that the world only exists when perceived. In fact, he was an idealist.

In some ways, I became very attracted to this philosophy, because of how it helped me develop a relationship to the Spirit of Nature & Reality (aka God). But Idealism also quickly develops into solipsism — the argument that nothing can be known to exist but your own self and mind.

Now, not to brag, but I’ve probably been a solipsist since having turned 9... (lol). But really, I became enthralled with my own private experience — in part to protect myself from the hurt of others’ and their rejection, but also because I thought it was really fucking cool to be in a sensitive and perceptive body that could see all of Nature’s little intricacies, and monstrous beauties.

I knew that nobody else could access what I was experiencing in myself; That my sensations and perceptions were so perfectly mind — ahem, sorry, mine.

But later in life, after I learned to reject the social constructs that had been placed upon me, I became so isolated within myself. I was outright rejecting the world, because I was rejecting society’s conception of it. My social interactions felt like experiments because I didn’t exist in the field of reality that others did.

Essentially, I had become a ghost. But I was still very much living.

The reason this is so interesting to me is because only a couple years prior to this development, I was a reasonably extroverted person. I found it easy to connect with others — I certainly wasn’t jumping at every opportunity to be involved with my community, but I wasn’t running away from it.

Today — I know that there exists a space completely unbeknownst to me, but is still very much all about me. That space is: other people’s perceptions of me. My impact on others. My influence on others.

In this place, I am received. I am real, I am seen, and felt. But I don’t have access to those feelings, to those perceptions… Even though I’ve tried to access them… studying people’s micro-expressions, begging for an answer to the tired question of “how do I make you feel?”. Yet, nothing is revealed.

I am only left with myself. Left to my own feelings and sensations.

Who decides who I am?

Who decides who I get to be? Or how I get to feel?

Why, oh why, spend so much time worrying about how you make others feel, if your answer will only lead you to more self-constriction?

This is where I find myself now, in a new space of conscious play. Orienting myself with this awareness to remain whole, and self described in my existence. I know that there is an influence, an impact. But I will not concern myself with someone else’s realm of perception. I have myself to please.

So I have learned to trust myself, and trust that I am abiding by Nature’s law. I do not intend to inflict harm, and by living for the good of myself I am living for the good of all.

Ahhh, how liberating it is to live in my own, organic, self interest. Living the way the human was designed to live.

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Of course, you can take note of how you affect others though. Solipsistic idealism doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole: completely oblivious to the fact that others have emotions and perceptions too… At least not in my style of solipsism. Even then though, you can only guess how others are feeling.

For example, that gift that you prepared for your Mom, that you thought would at least warrant a full thank you text? Yeah, well, you thought wrong.

You can do your best to decipher others’ emotions with the information that they give you, but your body and mind is not theirs. So why spend so much energy trying to control their perceptions? You don’t know how you’re going to affect them — and it’s not your job.

Anyway.

That’s what happens when you become a ghost, your start to forget about the impact that you have on the world around you. And who knows, when you’re living in your greatest organic self-interest, maybe that’s for the best.

Love, Eva.